Postcards from the edge

I don’t usually forward e-mail from readers, but with the Jazz expected to add a 13th player to their roster today, I thought I’d pass this one along. It made me laugh.

Dear Mr. Rock Monster Sir,

I thought that you might be interested in my attached letter of application for the backup to the backup point guard position that the Jazz currently have open. Surprisingly, the jazz have not been forthcoming with an email address for Mr. O’Connor but perhaps you could use your journalistic connections to help affect this history making proposition.

As I state in my letter, I can’t be any worse for the team than John Amaechi and I’m a whole lot cheaper.

It’s for the children, Mr. Rock… the children! I sure hope this reaches him before he hires that chump from the D-League.

Thank you and you are welcome for the scoop as this is all on the record.

David Heiniger

Dear Mr. O’Connor,

As we both know, the recent trade of Matt Harpring and Eric Maynor for some German guy who will never play in the NBA has left an opening on the Utah Jazz for a backup backup point guard. I respectfully submit my name for the opening.

It’s no secret that the move was done to save the Jazz somewhere around $10 million in combined salary and luxury tax for exceeding the salary cap. This is what makes me such an obvious choice to fill your roster spot.

You see, having been unemployed for months now, even the league minimum of $736,420 is quite attractive to me. In fact, even the pro-rated portion for this season, which I calculate to be $484,120 for the remainder of 2009-10, is still well within my required salary range.

True, I am old and fat but I’m sure Coach Sloan can whip me into shape in no time. While I never succeeded in making the High School team, I was a star in the local church leagues. What a wonderful “yes you can” message this would send to all those audaciously hopeful wannbes.

Kevin, (may I call you that?) we both know that trading away a rising star like Eric Maynor made our team less-competitive, so it seems to me that my basketball skills should not even be a concern. After all, if it was about winning, you would not have made this trade.

That is not a criticism. I understand economic reality, believe me. I’ve been neck-deep in economic reality for months now. PR, baby, public image, visiting sick kids in the hospital, palling around the Jazz Bear, our mascot, that’s what I’m talking about.

As for economic reality, you can sign me to a very long term contract at league minimum. I promise that no matter how much those sick kids dig me, I will never ask for anything more than league minimum.

These are some pretty darned good reasons to hire me as the backup to the backup point guard. If by some strange twist of fate you have to actually play me in a game, I can guarantee you I won’t hurt the team any more than John Amaechi did and for a whole lot less money too. Are you beginning to see now, Kevin? Win-win baby, win-win!

I think I’ve made a pretty strong case for myself and we haven’t even talked about economic stimulus and any government or tax breaks you might be entitled to for taking one more struggling worker off the unemployment rolls. I can be in town in plenty of time to suit up for tomorrow’s game.
Looking forward to hearing from you very soon regarding this wonderful opportunity for you, the Jazz, the poor sick kids and overworked Jazz Bear, not to mention yours truly.

Sincerely,

Cap’n Parrotdead, esq.